Fade in:
Ext Cave Entrance-Night
SPFX: Thunder, lightning and high winds surround this cave entrance.
Announcer (Gruff Voice)
In a world filled with dark doom and nefarious beasts with two heads…
Two sets of eyes appear in the darkness. Suddenly, a third set shows up.
Announcer Okay. Three heads…
Cut To:
Int. Castle Basement-Night The same storm can be seen through the windows as an Evil Sorcerer stands at a cauldron, mixing a bubbling, smoking potion.
Announcer
Where evil sorcerers mix deadly potions…
The sorcerer forces an eyedropper full of his potion to a lice-ridden rat.
Announcer
to radically change the human population into…
There’s a puff of smoke that clears to reveal a good looking gentleman in a gaudy tuxedo. Suddenly, a spotlight hits the gentleman. He picks up a microphone.
Announcer
Las Vegas lounge singers.
SPFX: Lightning and thunder crashes loudly.
Gentleman
(singing) Danke Shoen. Darling, Danke Shoen.
Announcer
Is there anyone who can stop the madness? Yes, there is.
But, only one person can do it. And that person is…
SPFX: Thunder and lightning crash again.
Cut to:
Close Up: Squinty-eyed man wearing round eyeglasses.
The camera pulls back to reveal Dirty Harry Potter dressed in a wrinkled suit.
Announcer
Dirty Harry Potter.
Cut to:
Ext Street-Day Harry has cornered a lounge singer and has him standing against the wall. Harry is pointing a broomstick at him.
Harry
So, are you feeling lucky, punk?
A spotlight encircles the man. He picks up a microphone from out of nowhere and begins singing.
Lounge Singer
(singing) Luck be a lady tonight. Luck be a lady tonight.
Cut to:
INT. Hogwart’s Professor’s Office-Day
A Hogwart professor stands behind his desk. Harry stands opposite him.
Professor
Potter, I’m taking you off this case. You can’t just go around and eliminate anyone you damn well please.
Harry
Professor, it was a case of mistaken identity.
Professor
Mistaken identity? How can you mistake this for a lounge singer?
The professor holds up a picture of Wayne Newton.
Professor
Thanks to you, the world will never be able to hear “Daddy, Don’t You Walk So Fast” again.
Harry hangs his head in shame.
Announcer
There’s danger as Harry comes face to face with the evil sorcerer.
Cut to:
INT. Cave-Night
Harry has his broomstick pointed at the evil sorcerer.
Harry
This is a Smith and Wesson Hogwart Special. It holds four thousand sparks of deadly destruction.
So, you’ve got to ask yourself. Was that three thousand or four thousand deadly sparks he released when he came in here? Announcer
There’s excitement as Harry infiltrates the Las Vegas lounge scene.
Cut to:
INT. Casino Lounge-Night
Harry is on stage, dressed in a pink tuxedo. He’s singing, but in his Dirty Harry voice.
Harry (singing) You’re having my baby. What a lovely way of saying how much you love me.
Announcer
There’s romance as Harry and his fellow Hogwart graduate, Cynthia, finally fall in love.
Cut to:
EXT Park-Day
Harry and Cynthia, a pixyish blonde, are in an embrace.
Cynthia
Hmmm. Harry, is that your broomstick, or are you just happy to see me?
Announcer
And, of course, there’s action.
Cut to:
EXT Street-Night
Harry lays on his back as he tries to shoot an onslaught of lounge singers who walk towards him, in a “Night of the Living Dead” trance.
Harry
Damn, I’m out of deadly sparks.
Cut to:
EXT Cave-Night
Back to lightning, thunder and high winds.
Announcer
See Dirty Harry Potter And The Lounge Lizards, starring Johnny Depp as Dirty Harry Potter, in his most unusual role since playing both Pigeon Sisters in The Odd Couple. Dirty Harry Potter, coming next Succoth. Do all you can to avoid it when it disgraces a theater near you. Void where prohibited by law; batteries not included; refrigerate after opening; if swelling appears, discontinue use.
Cut to:
INT. Hotel Room-Day
Harry reloads his broomstick. There’s a knock on the door.
Maid (O.S.)
Housekeeping.
Harry
Come in.
An elderly maid enters carrying a set of sheets.
Cut to:
Close up: Harry’s Face
Harry
Go ahead. Make my bed.
Cut to black.
The End
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